A HEARTSPACES ARTICLE
What does it mean to hold space?
I once participated in a massage workshop, and just before we began, a young woman stood up. It was clear she was upset. She said, "I have an announcement to make. Someone took my massage oil, and I can’t find it." The room fell silent as we all watched her. The facilitator held the silence for a moment, then calmly said, “A few years ago, I would have reacted by asking, ‘Did anyone take the oil? Let’s look for it.’ But now I’m going to ask: What do you need? Can you tell us”?
She stood still without a word, but we could all feel the energy getting more dense.
“Are you with your partner?”, the facilitator asked.
She nodded. “Yes.”
“Would you like your partner to sit with you and give you support, maybe with a hand on your back?”
Again, she said yes. Her partner sat beside her, placing his hands gently on her back. After a few moments, tears came.
“That’s all—just support,” the facilitator said. “What do you feel?”
“Anger,” she replied, “and helplessness.”
“Perfect,” said the facilitator, and asked, “Who is holding the space now?”
We all answered: “Everyone.”
She nodded. “Yes.”
“Would you like your partner to sit with you and give you support, maybe with a hand on your back?”
Again, she said yes. Her partner sat beside her, placing his hands gently on her back. After a few moments, tears came.
“That’s all—just support,” the facilitator said. “What do you feel?”
“Anger,” she replied, “and helplessness.”
“Perfect,” said the facilitator, and asked, “Who is holding the space now?”
We all answered: “Everyone.”
This experience taught me a lesson about holding space. It was simple but profound. We did nothing; we just allowed her to be with the emotions that surfaced. We were just there, holding space for her. Being a container she needed at that very moment. Being there, giving her compassion and love. It was about being present without judgment, intervention, or the need to control the situation.
And this is holding space at its core.
To me, it is about creating a safe and non-judgmental environment where the person feels empowered to navigate their emotions, challenges, and growth on their own terms.
One of the people who beautifully describes the art of holding space is Heather Plett, and I would like to recall some of her teachings right now. According to Plett, holding space means walking alongside someone in their journey without attempting to fix them or influence the outcome. It involves offering unconditional support, letting go of judgment, and allowing the person to feel seen, heard, and accepted as they are.
Plett explains that holding space is not about being passive or distant; rather, it's about being intentionally present while allowing the other person to retain their autonomy. This is especially important in times of grief, transformation, or personal growth, when individuals are most vulnerable. As Plett notes, even those who are strong space holders for others need someone to hold space for them. It's a delicate, reciprocal balance that acknowledges the need for support in both giving and receiving.
One of the people who beautifully describes the art of holding space is Heather Plett, and I would like to recall some of her teachings right now. According to Plett, holding space means walking alongside someone in their journey without attempting to fix them or influence the outcome. It involves offering unconditional support, letting go of judgment, and allowing the person to feel seen, heard, and accepted as they are.
Plett explains that holding space is not about being passive or distant; rather, it's about being intentionally present while allowing the other person to retain their autonomy. This is especially important in times of grief, transformation, or personal growth, when individuals are most vulnerable. As Plett notes, even those who are strong space holders for others need someone to hold space for them. It's a delicate, reciprocal balance that acknowledges the need for support in both giving and receiving.
Here are some of the key lessons Heather Plett outlines in her work, which can help us all become better at holding space for others:
- Trust People’s Intuition and Wisdom: Often, people know more than they realize, especially in situations where they feel unsure or vulnerable.
- Offer Only What Can Be Handled: Providing too much information or guidance can overwhelm people during difficult times. Instead, give them just enough to help them move forward without feeling overloaded or incompetent.
- Don’t Take Away Their Power: Empowerment is a crucial aspect of holding space. Instead of stepping in and taking control, offer support that encourages autonomy and decision-making. Taking control can make others feel inadequate, which can undermine their confidence and growth.
- Keep Your Ego in Check: When holding space, it’s essential to remember that the journey is about the other person, not about you. This means setting aside any desire to "fix" the person or to make their journey reflect positively on you. True support comes from a place of humility and self-awareness.
- Make Them Feel Safe to Fail: Failure is a natural part of growth, and people need to feel safe enough to make mistakes. By withholding judgment and offering encouragement, you help them build resilience and learn from their experiences instead of being crushed by their perceived failures.
- Offer Thoughtful and Humble Guidance: Sometimes, guidance is necessary, but it should be offered in a way that doesn’t diminish the person’s autonomy. Space holders should be mindful of when to step in and help, and when to step back and let the other person navigate their own way.
- Create a Container for Complex Emotions: Holding space often means providing a safe environment for people to express and process deep emotions, trauma, or fear. This involves being present and compassionate without becoming overwhelmed or reactive yourself.
- Respect Different Decisions and Experiences: People may make choices that differ from what you would do, and that’s okay. Holding space means respecting their decisions, even when they come from a place of cultural or personal difference that you may not fully understand.
Here’s what I would add:
Listen actively, deeply, with the intent to understand. If your mind drifts away, gently bring your attention back to the other person.
Express gratitude for someone opening up to you. You can say, “Thank you for sharing this” or “I hear you.”
Don’t give advice, don’t tell your own story, don’t comment. Give space. If you feel a strong urge to say something, ask if the other person is open to hearing it. Don’t bring up the process after the meeting unless the other person expresses a desire to do so.
If you do want to say something, speak from your own perspective, using “I” statements about your own feelings. Avoid referring to the other person’s feelings and emotions.
Imagine that you are literally holding a space around a specific person, providing them with safety and comfort as they process what they need.
One more thing: as facilitators, we often think about holding space for participants of our workshops and classes, but anyone can hold space – also in personal situations – for our loved ones and friends. And each time we do it, we also learn something about ourselves and our capacity for empathy, love, and presence.
What does it mean to hold space for you?
What does it mean to hold space for you?
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